


I Can't Live Without Him

by Tilly_Madison



Series: Ziam Oneshot [1]
Category: One Direction (Band), ziam - Fandom
Genre: F/M, M/M, Pain, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-19
Updated: 2013-01-19
Packaged: 2017-11-26 02:33:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,901
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/645591
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tilly_Madison/pseuds/Tilly_Madison
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Zayn and Liam were the perfect couple then suddenly, they weren't. It has been three weeks since they broke up, Liam has seemingly moved on and Zayn is stuck in a torrent of loss and pain. What is going to happen in just one day? Will everything turn out for the good or will nothing be the same agin.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I Can't Live Without Him (Zayns POV)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zayn can't stand to see the love of his life parading around school with his new fling and so he ends up doing something that he never planned on, but knows is his only escape from the pain.

Zayn watched as Liam walked past him, smiling and whispering into the ear of the new girl. He could feel his face screw up in disgust, Liam had only broken up with him three weeks ago and he had already moved onto a girl he had barely known for more than three seconds.  
Stalking down the hall the opposite way from Liam he pulled his stereotypical bad boy leather jacket tighter round his shoulders. He closed his eyes tightly behind his pitch black Ray Bans, forcing tears that forcing their way from his eyes.  
He could think back to the day he had first asked Liam on a date and how Liam had straight out rejected him, not because he was a guy but due to the fact that he was seen as the typical bad boy. He had then spent the next six months showing Liam his other side; he had shown him what he was like behind the dark mysterious mask he always wore.  
He had taken him to a place where he would sit and think, he had drawn him in the falling rays of the sun and gave it to him. He knew that picture was framed on Liams wall, next to one that he had done for their first year together. Both of them sitting on a bench cheeks pressed together, smiles on both their faces and the words of Liams favourite song written looking like the twists of wind surrounding them.  
He felt a huge lump at the back of his throat as he thought more of the relationship he had had with Liam, how sweet and simple it had been, but mainly the fact that he had never seen that Liam didn’t want him anymore. That he didn’t want to be with a guy anymore. Zayn knew he would have been okay if he had just broken up with him because he wanted to be with another guy, but the fact that Liam had chucked him because he was a guy. He just couldn’t take it anymore.  
He walked out of the school and towards the place him and Liam had many of their firsts. First kiss. First snog. First love bite. First time together.  
He closed his eyes as he neared the top of the hill, the smell of the grass bringing back all of the memories only making it harder for him but in reality this was still the only place he could think. No one ever came here. A rustle in the bushes startled him and he froze for a few seconds, but thinking it only to be a squirrel he kept walking.  
Once at the top he finally realised just how long he had hidden at school, the sun was already setting. He pushed through a gap in the bushes to be affronted with a sight he had never wished to see. Liam and his girl.  
Sitting together watching as the sunset, holding hands and pressing kisses to each others cheeks, necks and lips. Zayn couldn’t deny how lovely they looked together but it didn’t stop a single thought from flowing through his pain filled brain. “If I can't live without him, he can live without me.” It didn’t even phase him as he thought about.  
Stumbling away from them he was sure he heard someone shouting his name, but he kept running. Branches and leaves smacking him in the face probably causing a few cuts to form and blood to dribble down his face. Feeling something under his foot Zayn suddenly saw the ground coming closer to his face, he didn’t even have time to through his hands out to stop his fall. He felt the air forced from his chest and his face hit the cold sodden earth that covered to forest floor.  
Then he just lay there. Looking at a trees roots and breathing softly, smelling the damp soil and listening as he heard footsteps getting closer. He just let his eyes fall shut and let his body barely move, but that didn’t last long as a large warm hand landed on his shoulder. One he knew all to well, one that had gripped bruises into his skin and caressed his skin softly in the after glow so many times.  
He could feel tears start to well up in his throat, making it harder for him to hold them back. He started to bite down on his lip feeling the warm metallic taste cover his taste buds, making him less attention to the hand placed on him.  
But something made him flip over, let his eyes open and sobs to fall from his lips. Three words from Liams lips, “Zayn, you okay?”  
Looking up at Liam Zayn made a chocking noise he was so close, he could smell the scent of him and see his huge brown eyes.  
He scrambled away from Liam his eyes wide, dried blood on his face and fresh blood dripping from his lip. His mouth flapping open and closed trying to force words out but they were staying fixed to the tip of his tongue.  
But then they were free and flowing from his mouth, “NO! How could I be okay! You took her here! Here!? My place! They place where we did all our firsts! Somewhere I finally felt safe! You thought it was okay Liam! You are a fucking bastard! You knew how much this place meant to me!” he pulled himself up and gave one last look at Liam, “But don’t worry. I won’t be back.”  
Zayn stalked away knowing Liam would be standing there, his beautifully innocent face a picture of pure shock and regret. But he kept his movements steady and never looked back he was going home and stopping all the pain he was currently going through for good.  
On the walk home he finished his final cigarette and put his Ray Bans through Nialls letterbox, at Harrys he put his favourite sketch book through the door and at Louis he left him his leather jacket, one he was never seen with out. He finally reached his house and walked up to his room.  
No one was in so this made it so much easier.  
He found the picture he had planned on giving Liam for their second anniversary, flipping it over he started to write a letter to Liam.  
To Liam,  
Just so you know none of this is your fault. It’s just me not being able to cope and this is the only thing I can do to stop all the pain.  
I was going to give you this for our second anniversary, it’s the first picture I ever drew of you. When I saw you in class and knew I had to get to know you.  
Anyway, bye Liam.

All my love, Zayn.

Zayn sighed and walked down to the living room. He folded the picture slowly and placed it in an envelope. Once Liams name was written on the front he taped it to the front door. Zayn knew he would come here eventually, once going to all the other boys houses.  
He walked back up the stairs and into his bathroom; he didn’t bother to lock the doors. He climbed into the bathtub and sighed. Reaching behind the collection of hair products that were scattered around he found what he needed.  
Looking down at his arm and the shiny blade clutched in his fingers he made the first press, against the fragile skin just below his elbow.  
It was a slow burning line he made down to his wrist, he hand shook as he lifted his hand. Watching as the blood ran freely down the side of his arm and soaking into the dark denim of his jeans and the bright white of his t-shirt. He then placed the blade at the same place on his other arm with much difficulty, due to the tremors in his hand but soon enough he had a matching, yet shallower cut on his other arm.  
He felt his body begin to lighten and all this pain start to fade away. He smiled softly even though he could hear feet thundering up the stairs and bursting through doors, but he never saw who they belonged to. Because everything went black.


	2. I Can't Live Without Him (Zayns POV)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Liam can longer deal with pretending to be in love with Danielle, not when he still loves Zayn with all his heart. So he comes up with a plan to tell Zayn that he still loves him, but what greets him instead is something he never thought he would see.

Liam could feel Zayns eyes on his back and pulled Danielle closer to him, he hated holding this girl so close to him. He hated telling her he loved her. Showing her how much he supposedly loved her. None of it felt right to him. He wanted Zayn back in his arms, smiling and laughing with him. But he couldn’t have him anymore.  
He just couldn’t. It wasn’t that he didn’t love him but that he wasn’t allowed to.  
Liam smiled at Danielle, kissing her softly on the lips and whispering that he loved her. The words feeling like lead on his tongue. He smiled at her till she walked into the classroom and he turned away. Scrubbing his hand against his mouth he wandered into his next class, hoping that Zayn would be sitting there. He still sat behind Zayn, even though they weren’t together anymore, just so he could stare at him. Imagine he was still allowed to touch him, kiss him and watch him as he was in the throws of passion.  
Smiling to himself he watched the door from his seat waiting for Zayn to walk into the classroom. He frowned to himself when the bell went and Zayn never walked in the door. Looking at his desk he thought about why he had broken Zayns heart as well as his own.  
He saw the look his mother gave him, the one where he said he wanted to bring over the person he was in love with. The one he wanted to meet the family. He watched her face go from sheer glee to disgust when he corrected her assumption on the fact he was brining a boy home not a girl. He could still hear the words ringing through his ears, about how he was a monster. How he was going to be in hell for the rest of eternity and the words that broke his heart the most that his mother couldn’t look at him because all she could see was a disappointment.  
Liam saw a tear drip off his chin and fall onto the notes he had been trying to take. He watched as the words smudged and blended together. Sighing loudly he felt and hand land on his shoulder, looking up to see who it belonged to. He made a shocked noise. Niall was standing there a look of pity on his face; he was Zayns best friend after all and had stopped talking to him after the break-up.  
“You okay, Liam?” he whispered softly, sitting in the seat to Liams left.  
Liam looked back down at the words he had scrawled out and found his eyes going to the folder on the desk. One that Zayn had scrawled all over during this class, when he was still trying to convince Liam to go on a date with him. Liam finally answered Niall by looking up at him, “No…I feel awful.” Liam finally admitted. He hadn’t told a soul about why he had ended it with Zayn, but he knew he had to tell someone before he broke down and lost it completely.  
What he wasn’t expecting was for Niall to wrap an arm round his shoulders and pull him close so he could whisper into his ear, “Wanna talk about it?”  
A sob worked its way from Liams lips and he nodded. He was going to tell Niall, someone who shouldn’t care about him right now but was still willing to listen to the boy that had broken his best friends heart.  
Niall kept close to him until the bell went for lunch. Walking out of the classroom he texted Danielle. He told her he was hanging out with Niall today, trying to get their friendship back on track. She had been telling him for the last week that he should, so he knew that she wouldn’t bother them.  
They walked into the lunch hall; he could feel eyes on him. People were looking between him and Niall, they could obviously remember the fight that had gone on between him and Niall.  
While standing in line he saw Harry and Louis talking, pressed close together and ignoring Eleanor as she sat next to Louis, obviously trying to get his attention. He could never understand how those two never saw that they were completely in love with each other. He can remember the looks on their faces when he asked how long they had been together. He laughed softly before purchasing his food and following Niall out of the building.  
They walked for a while before coming to the big sports field, he was glad Niall had chosen hear for them to talk because he knew he was going to cry and tell him things that he didn’t want others to hear and tell Danielle.  
Sitting down by a tree where he and Zayn had spent lunchtimes together he took a bite of a sandwich and waited for Niall to turn to him. He realised this was stupid idea when Niall simply sat and stuffed his face much like he always did. Sighing he opened his mouth to speak.  
“I didn’t want to do it.” He said looking at the sandwich in his hand, “I still love him and I hate myself so much for doing it Niall.” He let his eyes flick to Niall who was still eating but was looking at him. “But I couldn’t deal with what was happening at home and he wouldn’t understand. He would want to keep it going but in secret and I couldn’t do that to us.” He murmured, pain radiating through his body.  
Niall wrapped an arm round him again pulling him close, “What do you mean? What was happening at home?” His voice soft and sweet, letting him know he could speak and it would go no further than him.  
Liam put his sandwich down, knowing he wouldn’t be able to eat it. He swallowed the hard lump in his throat and spoke, “My mum. She hated that I was with Zayn. She wouldn’t speak to me. Kept telling me that I was going to hell and that I was disappointment of a son. Just because I wanted her to meet the guy I was in love with.” Closing his eyes he sighed, “He’s the one. But I can’t force him to be in the closest with me again. I couldn’t do that to him.”  
He could feel the tears falling from his eyes and saw as a dark patch formed in Nialls shirt. He felt so bad for what he had done and these tears were all for Zayn and letting him go because he didn’t want to hurt him.  
“Fuck…” Niall whispered, Liam looked at him. “You hav’ta tell ‘im at?”  
Liam shook his head not wanting to, but the more he thought about it the better it would be. Maybe they could get back together and maybe he could move out of his family home.  
“Actually yeah. I’m going to. But first I am going to break up with Danielle.” He said standing and walking back to the school and listened as Niall scrambled across the grass.  
Strolling into the school he could feel the smile that was across his face he was going to end things with Danielle, but then he walked into her and saw the tears streaming down her face. Swallowing he touched her and she sobbed into his arms about how her grandmother was in hospital and that she may not be allowed back out.  
Liam sighed knowing he couldn’t break her heart today but he could make the rest of the day the best possible, before he broke this girls heart just so he could fix his.  
Kissing the top of her head he spoke, “I want to show you something after school, it will make you feel better.” He felt her nod against his chest and smile, tears in her eyes as she ran to class. Once she was gone his mood deflated and he felt tears prickle his eyes.  
The afternoon seemed to drag on for far too long. Liam kept feeling like the world was on his shoulders that he was breaking up with a girl who was already hurt by the world, for a guy who was his world.  
Liam watched as Danielle walked towards him, a smile on her lips and he smiled at her. Trying to make it look real but she didn’t notice so he guessed that was a good thing.  
He walked hand in hand with her to a place he had never taken her too. His place with Zayn, he wanted it to be beautiful. But really he brought her here so that he could think about the fact that his and Danielles relationship ended here so his and Zayns could start here again.  
Keeping her hand in his Danielles he smiled, the sun was setting slowly in the sky and a bright glow was falling over them. He could see how beautiful Danielle was here but she did nothing for him compared to Zayn, she just wasn’t him. Laughing and loving sure, but she didn’t make him feel like he was the centre of her world that nothing could ever stop her from loving him. That he would die for her. She just wasn’t the one, he could never move on from Zayn and he wasn’t going to give up on them because his mother was a bigot.  
He treated Danielle like this was every other date, kissing her and holding her. He whispered words in her ear but never said that he loved her because tomorrow it was going to be over. While pressing a kiss to her cheek he was sure he saw someone there.  
So turning he looked properly and saw Zayn. He panicked and stood up from Danielle, he didn’t even look back at her as he followed after Zayn. Felling the ground under his feet, the pounding of his heart and the shallowness of his breath. He was not sure where Zayn was going but he was going to follow and explain why he had brought her here. He could see Zayn was within grabbing distance when he watched him trip and fall to the floor.  
He watched as Zayn just let himself fall, his face hitting the dirt with a dull thud. Then Zayn just lay there breathing, eyes shut and he walked forward. Swallowing nervously he reached out a hand and spoke, “You okay, Zayn?”  
But he stared as Zayn rolled over and looked at him, their eyes locking. Then Zayn was gone from his grip, he was scrambling away from him. Fear and pain right there in his eyes and blood covering his face and dripping from his lip. And all Liam could think was how he wanted to pull the boy close and kiss away all that pain and fear, clean him up and tell him just how much he loved him.  
Then suddenly Zayn let words fly, “NO! How could I be okay! You took her here! Here!? My place! They place where we did all our firsts! Somewhere I finally felt safe! You thought it was okay Liam! You are a fucking bastard! You knew how much this place meant to me!”  
Liam was taken back by the words and stood mouth wide in shock, but what scared him more were the words that Zayn said as he walked away from him. ““But don’t worry. I won’t be back.” He could feel his face scrunching up in pain. Zayn had pretty much told him that this place now meant nothing to him.  
Liam now knew he had no chance to win Zayn back but he knew he had to end things with Danielle right now. So turning slowly he walked towards Danielle, who stood looking so beautiful with the sunset behind her and he opened his mouth to speak. Gritting his teeth, “Danielle. I can’t do this to you any more. I can’t lead you on. Not when I am still in love with someone else. You don’t have to be nice to me but I just don’t want to hurt you anymore, it’s not fair. I’m so sorry.” He stood and watched as her face crumpled, pain evident and she walked forward. He braced himself for a slap across his face, but instead he found her wrapping her arms round him. Blinking his eyes open he saw her pull back, “It’s okay.” She whispered, “At least you told me, but I don’t think we should talk for a while okay.” Smiling stiffly she walked away.  
Liam stood in place for a few minutes and then sat down. He watched the sunset thinking about how he was going to get Zayn back. He knew it wouldn’t have to be something big just something that would show the love that he still felt for Zayn. He knew that if he just went to his and told him, that this would be enough for Zayn.  
While standing up he remembered that Zayns family was gone for the weekend. It made it all perfect.  
He started to walk to Zayns slow and easy, humming the words to his favourite song.  
Everything was quiet until his phone suddenly started to ring, frowning he looked down to see it was Harry.  
He decided he better answer it even if it was just so Harry could shout at him more.  
“Hello?” he questioned.  
“Liam! Liam! Fuck! Are you near Zayns?” Harry said his voice in near panic.  
“Um…yeah. I’m on my way there.” Liam said, confusion evident in his voice.  
“Get there quick!” Harry shouted.  
“Why?” Liam said stopping walking, waiting for an answer.  
“He put his sketch book through my door!” Was shouted from the phone.  
Not even answering Liam stuffed his phone in his pocket and ran to Zayns. He felt everything ache as he ran but he wouldn’t let himself stop. He needed to get there to see why Zayn would do this.  
He could see the door ahead of him and the letter taped to the door, his name written across it. Grabbing it he ran into the house and up the stairs. He was panting as he looked round Zayns bedroom and not seeing him. His head spun as he tried to think where Zayn could possibly be. Flying out of the room he saw the glow coming from the bathroom door.  
He didn’t even think as he ran into the room.  
What he saw made him feel so sick, there was Zayn. Soaked in his own blood, pale but still breathing. He launched himself at him and wrapped towels round his arms trying to slow down the bleeding. Noticing that one arm was barely bleeding at all, he let go of it and pulled out his phone and called 999.  
While he waited for an ambulance, he leant down and whispered. “You better stay here or I will be following you. No matter where you go.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is a sort of sequel to this go to (http://archiveofourown.org/works/645595) to read it if you want.


End file.
